I don't think I can get bothered with getting laid tonight
just had a super intense, drunken debate about which blink182 member is the most fuckable. i got so mad i left the room. new low.
i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
there's just a random girl here singing about how much she loves fiber
You were laying in bed whispering and crying to the half eaten burrito saying "why am I shitting so much" and "what did I do to deserve this"
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
It's still to early in our relationship to tell her I was sleeping in my car
So the " I'm gay but curious" thing worked. You owe me 50 bucks.
You're lucky you got out when you did, about an hour later the girl in the Franzia box started wrestling everyone.
I'm not sure... How do you tell someone who was so smashed they couldn't remember shoving their dick into the fireplace that their mother actually witnessed the whole thing?
Oh my lord it is too early in the morning to be that horny freak
my vagina doesn't wear a watch
I feel like I beer bonged a ton of asbestos
I just want to nap all the time and eat Chinese food.
Randomize
