He has that thing where they hang SUPER low
Ewww!! Elephantitis
I was totally going to sleep with him, until he got naked and started swinging around his boner singing "I'm so hard. oh yeah yeah yeah, I'm so hard" like Rihanna.
Well today was Thanksgiving Anti-Miracle Daydrinkathon so I had to be drunk by 2pm
FYI the landlord called, said we need to clean the puke off the side of the house...was someone on the roof lastnight??
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
Nobody in the ambulance liked me...
By the way if you come home and I'm not wearing pants, just go with it. I didn't have the energy to go searching for some.
Had mirculous sex while watching miracle. Until she got mad that I kept quoting the movie. Not my fault I'm a good multi-tasker
Do you believe in miracles?
Well that's the second time I've broken a lamp during sex this month. Starting to worry I'm some kind of X-man. (this one was a wall sconce and I fully smashed it with my head and it crumbled like it was made of sugar)
I put my hydrocodone prescription in my cereal box its like real lucky charms
I'm all set for mothers day, I let her beat me in beer pong.
You just kept looking down at your tits and screaming "I LOVE YOU TWO!!!"
just woke up on the floor with a bottle in my hand. and by bottle, i mean a baby bottle. half filled with tequila.
Why would you get kicked out?
Well, an overweight man is currently not wearing a shirt. Or pants. And is getting in touch with his inner Chippendale. You can probably fill in the blanks.
His dick smelled like strawberries...it was awesome.
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