I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
Is it proper Ass-Fingering-Etiquette to tell her u felt her poop or just pretend it didn't happen?
i like that you affectionately refer to him as "creepy" ever time you talk about him
I can't wait to see her breast feed this thing
I made him a flow chart of what to do if I got arrested.
Before I left he insisted on serenading me with a ukalele. I might be a little bit in love
I dont even think your gonna like what I got you for christmas. If not we can take it back and get drugs.
I have a third degree burn on my inner thigh from the blunt dropping on me in the car
dude...i punched my best friend in the face, broke up with my girlfriend, and shit my pants.......now i don't know which one to take care of first.
I got inside last night via doggy door
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
...hi
YOU SHOULD BE ASHAMED OF YOURSELF
Ok cool I was afraid you'd never speak to me again. I can work with this.
shit... I double booked my fuck buddies
shots, cocks, socks. bingo
scale of one to ten how loathsome is it to save my chocolate easter bunny to use for a topping on my edibles
Randomize
