I just foul balled at work. I had taken off my coat too… had to go to the sink wash my hands then go back to the stall and pick up my coat. I hope the guy shitting in the stall next to me didn’t figure out what happened.
Reason #1 for no sex outdoors: Mosquito bites. Awkward, awkward mosquito bites.
Couldn't see or hear that well because she hit me on the back of the head with a bat. That is my excuse. Also the gin.
The mystery gender stripper never showed up with that party burrito last night.
im destined to be single forever. i hope its okay if your kids come and hang out with my cats.
You stuck your entire fist into a full jar of peanut butter and starting assaulting people
I just lit a candle in my room using axe and a lighter, that's how bored I am. Let's get schwasted.
Some lady old enough to be our mom took us home, made me eggs and he still got some. Where do I claim my best wingman/sister trophy?
What does puking wasabi feel like?
Like snorting cocaine backwards.
I feel bad for her, but I feel like she's one of those resource-raping alien civilizations that visits planets, decimates them and then leaves. Those really aren't the qualities I appreciate in a friend. Ya know?
I am. I woke up on someone's front lawn dressed as max Payne also be proud.
Can you not touch my dick while I'm holding a gecko?
I love how encouraging you are, but I need you to stop me when the guy I'm going home with is a dead ringer for Nick Cage.
I woke up on a park bench with a nice homeless guy waking me up. I bought us Carl's Jr. Best birthday ever!
One of your 'guests' left her bra in the kitchen.
Dude, does it look like any of the women I bring home wear bras?
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