I'm in a strip club that reminds me of a crack house from the 80's.
im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
he fingered me, smelled his fingers, then asked me what i ate today..
what day is it and did you see me today?
my mom just asked me what a queef is. she needs to stop watching south park
she kicked me out for pissing in the recycling bin. I mean, is it really THAT big of a deal?
Apparently I was the fucked up drunk guy greeting people at the hotel in the lobby last night.
We get an extra hour of sleep. That means we can take an extra shot tonight. Sound logic. Thank you daylight savings.
I'm pretty happy on the couch eating Popeyes and watching Cops so if I go over there you better have drugs left
His parents came home, and now I'm hiding in a closet; awaiting death at dawn.
You are always hiding in a closet though??
Hypothetically speaking...if I was arrested in Wisconsin, say Kenosha county, would you post my bail all the way from Oregon? If yes, will you also accept my collect call in t-minus 13 hours?
I'm studying. I have a really exciting life lol
It's hard to say that sarcastically after having sex in a movie theater
When you wake up and wonder why your bleeding and it feels like you jumped into a ceiling fan, dont worry. Ill explain it all when I wake up.
GOD DAMN IT I COULD HAVE HAD A MOTHERFUCKING 3 WAY LAST NIGHT. WHY BOOZE, WHY?!
i had sex with a girl named after a fruit last night and it was the best thing to happen to me in 2020
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