There's a show on the Discovery Channel about T-Rex sex. I think this just made my life.
I found a vibrator in my car and it's not mine...this is becoming a weird day.
She kept saying my hands are a cupcake factory
There's a middle eastern man wearing a cow costume with tequila coming out of his udders, but I'm not sober enough to feel uncomfortable with it.
He rode a broom down the stairs while we were mattress surfing. Naked. Buck ass naked. WTF
Ok! I picked up an anti-celebratory bottle of champagne on the way to dinner for her going to rehab. That's how I feel about this...
He's acting like I should like him more than vodka and Taco Bell, but I just don't ser that happening.
I have a present for you
Like a legit gift, not just me showing up and getting naked
I wish we could all take a bath together. Not in a lesbian way. But in a relaxing drunk in the tub sort of way.
I just put Gatorade in my wine, cause electrolytes, you know.
If anybody had to puke on my shoes, I'm glad it was you.
My frontal lobe is being piloted by Jack Daniels right now.
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
Does having sex in an airport bathroom with a girl you just met at the bar count as the mile high club? ...no?
One sec I was having the time of my life, the next I was shitting water
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