Cold hands, warm shart.
I need to start cutting my cocaine with Plan B
a girl just told me i should have been born earlier in the alphabet
Making the executive decision for drunk you to not sleep in the lofted bed that has no ladder
there's a guy looking for his pants in my room, is he yours?
There was a staple in my grits at waffle house last night. My knees are bruised as hell. And I puked pink all over my bathroom. Gooood night.
I complimented him on his choice of carpeting while he was humping me.
That man deserves a slow clap... He defied the power of the vagina
That awful moment when there is no more beer and you find yourself considering tequila and aloe juice.
You just managed to turn Doctor Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
Just went grocery shopping with a vibrator in my purse and didn't even realize it. This is what Saturdays are made for.
COME AND FUCKING GET ME I AM IN SOME SORT OF JUNKYARD!!!
I just made myself orgasm twice and Laura lee hit 4 million subscribers. It’s a good day everywhere
my friends roomated asked me this morning if we went to mcdonalds last night and i had no idea...that is until i checked my purse and found half a mcdouble in it...
that's the second time my extensive knowledge of taylor swift has gotten me laid
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