Ninja stars and alcohol are a bad combo
My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
Made out with some random "plus sized" young lady. She let me kiss her boobies. It was like I was 6 months old again.
i know we're in college but you cant booty call me at 3 in the afternoon. i dont care how drunk you are.
You were too busy being proud of your penis shaped pancakes to notice...
i was quietly enjoying my waffles when he came downstairs naked, kissed me on the forehead, and thanked me for the night before. i didnt even know anyone stayed over.
Had a student tell me he misses the old Four Loko. He's in 7th grade. No one is allowed to claim I started drinking too young ever again.
You are softly singing to the wall while slow dancing with it. I feel as though you should discontinue this behavior.
You should really trust me on this one. "hit it and quit it" might not be the best career move on your part...
Day drinking straight vodka out of a Mountain Dew can being towed behind a kayak on a raft. And no, there is no time difference, it really is 10 am.
Had a dream I cut my own dick off. That's it I gotta see a doctor...
Umm
Exactly.
I'm just to the point my give a fucks is so far in the red that I'm going to have to take out a 30yr loan of fucks to repay it
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
5 am booty call not ok. The fact I actually went over definitely not ok. My vag needs to learn some control.
Sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do... and then you need to delete the history so you're girlfriend doesn't see it.
Randomize
