There are sesame seeds in my vagina. This cannot be explained with logic.
I'll give her a pass for the first one, but after the second threesome, she should have learned her lesson.
If after tonight I can still walk on my own, take me to another bar.
Beer coozy in the gym. Don't judge me.
Pack light, we're going straight to bar from the train. No place to put our shit.
Dude all I'm bringing is my dick and a phone charger.
Can I send you a picture of my penis? I feel like it looks really good right now and I need someone to share it with
theres too many punctuation errors in that text to turn me on.
Hey, I took a sweater from your house. And, um, your little brother's virginity.
I went through my entire iTunes library and made a playlist called "Feelings". I have 7.5 hours of feelings.
He also told me he would eat mozzarella sticks before having sex with me so I'm mad at him.
I was just going for a one night stand and now I'm at breakfast with his entire family.
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
the hot lifeguard just pulled a McDonald's cheeseburger out of her fanny pack.
passed out on bart again and decide to bike home. biked thru a goat farm of angry goats, biked on the freeway, got stopped by the cops, and sat shotgun in the squad car while the officer driving got a video on his iphone of his partner riding my bike on the freeway.
It is like...the most transformative hard on I have ever had.
Randomize
