I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
i wanted to be an indian when i was a child. apparently you cannot grow up to be an indian.
I got otter pops to cool the beers, it's an all around better idea.
dont you remember the bouncer yelling at you while you were trying to piss?
no. why was the bouncer in the bathroom?
he wasn't. neither were you.
And he was super vague about his life, it was frustrating. I totally boned a homeless guy, didn't I?
Apparently all year they've been using me as a standard of drunkenness
Basically I don't wanna put on pants...but I'm stoked for drinking my face off tomorrow.
Lets just make a point system, like if we have sex add a point, if they leave after take away a point, if they stay all fucking day take away a point
Do you know how to get blood out of tile grout?
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
Your dog took my vibrator out to the yard
My fuck buddy just proposed... Correct me if I'm wrong, but doesn't that completely defeat the purpose of FRIENDS with benefits?
Now you can be friends with Insurance Benefits.
DRUNK COOKIES
Are you drunk or are the cookies drunk or are these cookies that get you drunk?
Yes
gave up morals for lent, so far it's actually been really easy.
Want a bet? I'm a kinky and determined motherfucker with a libido that is not easily stopped
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