i hope you realize that ur overconfidence only gave me one orgasm out of all the times we had sex. that's like a 1% success rate. u might wanna rethink how amazing you are.
The girl behind me at the dollar store said couldn't wait to get her permit, then requested a pregnancy test. God I love being home.
i just heard a guy call his kid "Google" in a way that leads me to believe that's his name. this day couldn't get worse.
He took out the lube and started calling it fuck fluid
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
My boss just sent an employee on an hour long paid break to pick up weed for our 'staff meeting' tomorrow morning.
Mike found the condom wrapper on the washing machine and looked at me and said "Magnum? NICE girl. Get that nut!" then proceeded to puke in a cup
"I'm in the bathroom. Only place I can sit and relax without that girl trying to give me a lap dance."
Woke up to a sex noise notice under my door...he gets a A+ for proformance and ill be seeing him again.
No offense, I mean I'm sure you rocked my world and all but I don't remember.
Her tits are absolutely massive. Like ripleys believe it or not shit
Fuckin' raining men in my bedroom while I'm trying to drunk eat a rather large portion of pasta. Like shoo I already picked who I'm sleeping with. Pasta wins.
She said "I feel like I haven't reached my full potential" and I couldn't figure if she meant in life or with the weed..
Jesus christ. I put you on speaker when you called me last night and you told me to brush my teeth with a dick.
I forgot to lock the bathroom door. He walked in, saw me on the toliet, nodded, and walked back out.
Randomize
