dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
White wifebeaters are like orgies with fat people. Enjoyable in private, i'm sure, but in public: no thanksss.
I was cleaning up my drunken mess and I found my ID in a cereal box
I didn't know it was possible to make picking up dog shit look sexy.
She did the bend and snap...
I just bought 1/2 a fifth of vodka out of an old school baby carriage from a homeless man. Gotta love this city.
woke up this morning with a big mac and chips on a plate, coke in a glass and a knife and fork AND NAPKIN waiting for me in front of my computer. PORN WAS ALREADY PLAYING. I LOVE DRUNK ME
Well I'm 2 for 2 with the absinthe, I just woke up in some random car behind the bar
I hope my orgasm sounds aren't secretly that bad and no one tells me
How does this dude know what a dying walrus sounds like? That's the real question
Walking out of our apartment this morning to go to class, I saw a sticky note on the front door that said "get tested." The door was unlocked so did you bring some stranger back last night? I'm assuming you weren't referring to me...
At this point the smell of shame has become my natural musk
second roommate of the year to get clamydia. go life.
His 21st birthday is in the middle of shark week, it's meant to be.
You know being hammered seven days in a row can do serious damage to your liver.
Text me on Monday and make sure I'm still alive
Just got a 15 minute lecture from a drag queen about how bisexuality doesn't exist. Cher would be so disappointed in her.
And, omg, my eyelids are on fire. I think the internet let me down. :(
so apparantly i made out with 24 santas last night...and an elf...and a stoner
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