I asked my mom, she said yes...but you have to shower with grandpa.
do girls know yet that the best boners are in the morning?
just fed a duck at the lake a weed brownie. it hasnt moved in 20 minutes.
but he used his one phone call to call mom and wish her happy mothers day, that's gotta count for somethin
it never fails, everytime he manages to fuck my earrings out of my ears.
FYI I'm about to upload a vid of you to facebook of you screaming "SNACK ATTACK" and throwing cheetos at everyone playing pong...
Now have a vodka water and get your shit together
What can I say? When alcohol is my motivation, I can move mountains.
Couldn't find any balloons, so we're doing whippets out of condoms. Being a ho has its benefits.
you are dancing on the line between undergrad and alcoholic.
She only fucks to metal. I don't know whether to marry her or run for the hills.
He was late, on account of he accidentally went to the Al-Anon meeting across the hall, and it took him 30 minutes to realize he was in the wrong room.
I asked him to tell me a bedtime story, then threw up on him.
We fucked while The Odyssey played in the background. Homer would be proud.
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
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