Idk if this white stuff in my shower is conditioner or... something else?
If I die on my trip, you're my chosen person. Nightstand-vibrators. Computer-iphoto naked pictures. I hope you feel honored.
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
The other. Cat spoke to me and left. This shit is laced
The first cat might save me but they are taking out masks
Im done having sex . he ruined it for me after he said " can we use my penis as a shovel ?"
I've been timing it. He's been showering alone for 33 minutes. 4 minutes ago, he said "truth or dare." haven't heard anything since.
I should come with a disclaimer that reads "bad at relationships and defensive when confronted about it"
or maybe "WARNING: picks fights when bored"
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
At some point, you're going to have to talk to a tree and do what it says
Tolerating him while I'm not drunk is like trying to find a word that rhymes with orange
I tired using vodka to remove my makeup
We were making eye contact while i was throwing up.
Dude. $3 Jack n Cokes AND Cheesesticks... Find me tomorrow plz
Remeber when we went camping and fucked those two guys? Yeah me either but I'm covered in poison oak so I'm guessing it's from that.
He only has one ball. it was like fucking a cyclops.
Randomize
