Just got yelled at by a priest...again.
If you want to dance with a less than stellar Asian chick, I have just the girl for you.
I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
YOU GOT KICKED OUT OF FIVE GUYS LAST NIGHT FOR THROWING PEANUTS AT THE PEOPLE WHO WORK THERE?!
correction: escorted out
Maid of honor is brides sister and single. Likes lemondrops. You're welcome.
i dont even mind you always shaving my pubes when i pass out, i'm starting to find it liberating.
In fairness it was pretty good sex, but I still wasn't expecting the mass cheering and applause he got on leaving my tent
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
She told me she gets scared easily and that I had to protect her. Then I made a condom joke that ended up making her cry... All bad dude
I mean, the sex was awesome last weekend, but I didn't even imagine I'd reached ovarian rupture status.
I either have a razor blade lodged in my throat or I've been drinking entirely too much Evan Williams.
If your find a 12 pack on your doorstep consider it a gentleman's agreement to never speak of that night again
We can't stop being roommates, you do such a good job of holding my hair back when I puke. I don't wanna buy hair elastics.
I don't care what the Chinese zodiac calendar says . . . 2015 is the year of the cock!
On cleanup... i've counted 94 solo cups so far.. oh, and i found a miniature top hat in the microwave
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