Just burped. Tasted like beer and cherios...Beerios. This is gonna be quite a day.
I just saw a man vacuming his front lawn. What is this world coming to?
The worst part is I think my tongue cut his penis and now he wont talk to me.
She jerked me off while she drove us back from Denver going 70mph. It was both the scariest and most erotic moment of my life.
She was holding a turtle doing a beer bong out of a flower watering can.
someone needs to get her out of the garbage can shes never gonna forgive us for this
IF CHARLIE SCHEEN CAN DO IT I CAN DO IT IM A PROFESSONAL
im hiding in a corner. drunk. with a plate of stolen jello shots. im pretty sure people are looking for me or the jello shots.
Two words. Shotgunning Cognac.
This has already gotten way out of hand
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
He just grabbed my boob and justified it by saying "I just wanna feel your heart beat"
We decided to make playlists for each other. Do you know any songs that say "sorry I'm not as hot as your prostitute ex?"
I'm pretty sure he's playing the harmonica in my shower right now. I just really need to pee.
I didn't think I was even that high but when we were standing in the cop car's headlights I totally forgot how to use my arms
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. It doesn't matter what it's about. Last text was about a homeless dude
Randomize
