I seem to have left my pride at pride
I'm sorry I didn't make it out, I got distracted by sparkley boobies.
you used progresso chicken soup as a mixer last night
woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
And with me just getting pulled over and you maxing your card out on tennis balls I don't know if we can afford it
Can we dedicate this weekends marathon sexcapades to all the haters?
Just dont tell him. Tell him you colored your vagina for breast cancer awareness month. He will understand.
20 bottles of wine, 3 cases or beer, and 5 bottles in my kitchen... My parents are teasing me.
It's like the bermuda triangle of cat puke
St Patricks day needs to be raged like youve never raged before. Like youre in the desert and it starts raining beer. Like it's the day the announced the 21st amendment (which is the one that ended prohibition)
I'm pretty sure I got a cavity today due to how many times I've puked hungover at work.
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
I took multi-tasking to a new level. I just ate a plate of nachos off my lap while driving to the bar. And I barely got any on me.
You poured a bottle of water into the salad bowl and said "bowls are a joke" and then poured it into your lap.
She dropped the call after she told me she doesn't want to hear about how loud he can scream.
Randomize
