U just looked at me and said "wake me up when I'm done eating"
They're giving me a hotel, and this chick doesn't have a place to stay for the night... I swear this is how real life Porno starts.
This is so stupid. Now I have to call the party planner and tell her that the break up party is off. They decided to get back together.
We told our cab driver we'd give him 3 grand if he pit maneuvered you guys in your cab.
I think we should roll her a welcome back, sorry your godmom's on life support blunt.
Some guy dressed like Santa just handed me a bottle of tequila. I NEVER WANT TO LEAVE CANCUN
I'm wearing a real bra and real shoes. I look like a fucking lady.
aha we'll just say that my mind was so focused on A Bugs Life that it was hard to maintain an erection
I just remember her dragging me inside in a panic saying we needed mentos and popcorn I have no fucking clue how we ended up asleep in her closet.
I need to stop getting drunk and telling people it isn't "about them."
so as he was cumming he sort of growled with one eye squinted... for a moment there I thought I was fucking Popeye
He sent me a selfie with his cat. He has found a way to my heart. And pants.
Last 4 google searches: class c felony, scary ghosts, peanut butter jelly time, Lindsey lohans vagina
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
I haven't felt more like a college student than when I woke up this morning naked with my sociology textbook in front of me and my bong in my left hand.
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