Never fear I pulled out... she had "lies about taking birth control" written all over her
you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
Found a left over fake Olympic medal from our party last weekend. Awarded it to a random girl in the bar last night. Its the only thing she was wearing this morning when she woke up at my place.
Another one? Damn, how many David's is that?
six.
Oh, I thought it was higher.
No, that would be the Matt's
I can't tell if I'm getting better at doing my online spanish hw drunk or if my teacher is just grading on creativity. Either way that senoritas gettin an applebees gift card when i graduate.
either i huffed spraypaint or ate out that makeup artist. you decide.
hell hath no fury like a questionably-gay best friend scorned
He won a jackpot and invited his ex girlfriend over to have sex on 5grand
I know how vodka works Grace. I'm drunk, not stupid.
Some how my underwear was hanging from the antlers of a antelope head on the wall of the hotel........
Can I just keep holy water in the night stand next to the vibrator?
Do you think showing up at his door with bourbon and chicken is too forward?
She was hammered and showed her gay best mate a pic of my cock, his response was "I fucked the wrong brother"
On a side note apparently my brother is gay
so he'll eat food out of a dumpster but he won't lick your ass?
Also: I hate her so much. She's out at hooters, making spelling errors, while I'm literally sitting at a clinic getting std tested. Which of us won the morality award in this break up.
Randomize