I love you and miss you, which in no way dimishes how much I hate the person you turned out to be, but I still love and miss you.
Half Baked? Au contraire, Ben and Jerry, I was fully baked when I ate that whole pint of ice cream.
"Party in the USA" was played at church youth group last night. It was like everything I enjoy hating was aligning against me.
well this feels familiar. awake at the crack of dawn laying in the fetal position praying for the sweet release of death. i think im done with jager for a while
I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
everybody makes mistakes
i didn't know they allowed you to text in ambulances
so i may have indirectly taught my 13 year old campers how to give blowjobs.
We got Pizza Hut & Papa Johns, delivered within seconds of each other, and both delivery people did a shot. I was put on Earth for this moment.
You're more than welcome to join us! There's red velvet cake and apparently my pants are open for business I didn't consent to this
Is being in jail an excusable absence?
I didn't have cash to pay cover at the bar, so I traded the bouncer a Krispy Kreme doughnut i had in my purse
I might have been the first person in 2015 to throw up on a yellow cab before climbing in it.
Saw your dad at the bar last night... And again this morning when he left. Told you not to mess with me bitch.
I was high as fuck laying down in the back seat while she gave him head. Most awkward chill moment of my life.
I almost suffocated in that mask but she kept calling me Jeremy so I kept it on.
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