Never write on a napkin "my face, your boobs" with your phone number and give it to a girl. Just a tip of the day from my nightly experiences lol.
We need to hang out more often
btw, your gf is going to want to talk to you today...and consequently you're probably not going to want to talk to me...just a heads up
i'm glad we're now at the level of friendship where we can comfortably discuss the quality of our shit
Putting the night light in my bathroom cabinet was the best idea ever. Awesome for puking while light sensitive
Ohhhh sweet! I may be down for that. I'll be a german beer girl probably passed out on a park bench somewhere.
Eating this pizza pocket is like eating out god
I tripped over a vacuum cleaner and fell into a beer pyramid
I just did a drunk experiment to find out what it looks like when you turn a burner on the stove on while wearing night-vision goggles. I may be blind in my right eye now.
Also, they sell weed-chocolate covered strawberries. For the romantic stoner.
That was one of the best texts I got today
idk man, i just want to be a bad influence for future generations
You just kept screaming "COME GET ME OFFICER, MY ALLIGATOR MEANS BUSINESS" while swinging a beanie baby alligator at him.
Hell no. Last time I used a Slip N Slide I ended up with bruised ribs, a broken fence and the hatred of a half naked girl with a sprained wrist.
I told you I couldn't sleep because of the speed and you rolled over and replied "shh. just pretend."
He knocked me over backwards in my chair. I had a beer in each hand. Didn't spill a drop.
So she was amazing, that's what. Idk if it was the blow or the blowjob, but both my heads are still tingling.
Randomize
