Will you blow on my dice?
How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
I'm single ladies-ing it in my kitchen alone. after I just made an intense new breakup cd and before I drown my sorrows by marinating alone in my jacuzzi later. I cant tell if this is a new low or a new high
Please tell me nicole sent the picture of the ejaculating penis to you too, otherwise I'll feel really awkward
I just want uncharted vagina. Fresh and ripe.
Too many sundays start with me waking up still drunk in my car.
We tried to make ramen in a glass bowl on the stove. They called facilities to pick the glass out of the door
And I'm bringing my coffee cup of wine.
ETSY JUST SENT ME AN EMAIL WITH THE SUBJECT "SUMER ROMANCE" I'M BEYOND FUCKING DONE
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
You realized your blanket was a snuggie, spread your arms, and yelled "tonight I sleep like jesus!"
If you can't trust the person at the taco cabana drive thru, who can you trust?!
I apparently ooze single. The second I left his house after break up sex five of my old booty calls text me
I had to ask my mom to look for my kegle ball...
Randomize
