I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
I woke up on my floor...
I woke up with colors of the wind playing on repeat on my laptop...
well,he told me "i bet you five bucks that i can right cum on the mirror with my cum" i said alright do it, lets just say he's five bucks richer...
I got a chicken sandwich and a frosty out of her. Better then having sex
Had to have a serious talk with my liver and remind it that it is my birthday weekend and there are three more nights like last night ahead of us
using smirnoff bottles as a pillow actually isnt as uncomfortable as you would think
Apparently I spent my 300 dollar tax return by ordering ramen on amazon last night. Please tell me this will somehow pay off in the long run.
Did you eat 9 cans of raviolii last night?
Come on man nobody wants to admit that
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
As a Chick-Fil-A employee, I think you'd appreciate the visual of me almost accidentally pulling out my wallet with a thong hooked on it as I payed for my waffle fries just now.
Then she looked me straight in the eyes and asked me if I missed my foreskin. Weirdest conversation ever.
I wore wrist and ankle weights while we had sex. Does that count as working out?
He told me I smelled like peanut butter, pepperoni, and pure unbrieldled passion.
He offered to dress his dick up as Charlie Chaplin to cheer me up.
Keep him.
They tricked me into going into that room by saying we'd smoke a bowl and then they all proceeded to have an intervention with me about my love life.
Randomize
