New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
it turns out vodka filled condoms arent that funny
I just saw a commercial for "tickle me elmo hands" and I am almost 100 percent sure that at the end elmo said "yeaaaaa boooyyyyyy"
I took an adderall but just ended up meticulously arranging my farmville for hours
I will miss his soup and his dick the most
he was wearing ninja turtle pajamas and he STILL got laid. who the fuck is this guy?!
Which is worse rug burn on your nipples or laying there after wondering how long you have to cuddle before you can sneak away?
Yes, i finally made it. but let me tell you...i can smell myself right now in class right now, this scent is called alcoholism.
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
I just threw up in my front yard because my roommate was in the bathroom. Fuck New Years Day.
Besides the fact that the only male who has shown an interest in me in the last 5 months has a strange and unfortunate resemblance to fucking Frodo, I've been good thanks
Too bad pet owners lack respect for my training in ancient Buddhist and holistic rehab therapies.
I'm not sure the Buddhist consider pot brownies holistic rehab therapy
I need my daily rules like rule one don't put your dick in the vacuum cleaner
The CEO is puking on the sidewalk and the HR director just offered me coke. Engineers have the best parties
We had a quickie at work in the office. He walked out before me, and I fell asleep while waiting a few minutes to walk out. Yeah. He's got that change your life dick
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