omg so im topless lying on my bed and i forgot my nail clippers are on my bed and i just leaned forward and the nail clipper closed. on my nipple. ouch
when she started arguing that Girl Talk was in fact a DJ, i knew i could never sleep with her
i make up for being a shitty girlfriend by being amazing in bed.
She handed me a mouthguard and said "here, you're going to need this" that rough.
let's get a trip to cabo together for next spring... they have to have forgotten about me by now
We woke up, fucked twice, she drank 3 warm heinekins to cure her hangover and said "Im glad you're still hott when im sober"
As I am reading this. I'm standing in my underwear eating taquitos. I'm saying this in the most loving way possible: FUCK OFF.
Watching her eat just hurts me
how many times have i told you.. they dont like when you laugh during sex
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
I'm in the kitchen making quiche for my fuck buddy and his wife. I'm probably not the chick to get dating advice from.
You licked my eyeball, you are officially cut off. If you just missed you can have a second chance on Friday.
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
We just fucked each other sober. #goteam
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
Randomize
