I just woke up in the 4th floor lounge at 5:30AM with my ipod on to springsteen and a condom on
My Higher Power is John Stamos
awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
Approach what situation? Look, I dunno if you think I'm like some lezbo cheetah waitin in some shrubs to pounce on you the second I see you, but I'm not!
well, everyone in my office is getting a nice laugh right now. But seriously... please delete my number
I'll trade you a raw potato for some vodka
I know...I feel like disliking her as a person on facebook
You know you are bi when you flip between the NFL Network and LOGO.
JUST MADE A FLAMING SLED. MIGHT HAVE 3RD DEGREE BURNS.
I think I kinda scared him when I told him if he premature ejaculated I would punch him in the throat.
K, so let's go ahead and say that mcnugget and margarita Tuesday was a bad idea
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
How does one hint at their mentee that they used to casually fuck his brother
I made it crystal clear I'm only upset because he's not anywhere fit to be a father of my unborn zygote
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
We were having sex but then he spanked me and i punched him but it was just a reflex i swear
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