Your dad touched me again.
just threw up in the bushes outside my lecture hall. sometimes i hate the freedom college gives you.
Packing up everything in the dorm. Silly bands to unused condom ratio is ridiculous.
He told me I was a pleasure to arrest. That's the 2nd time I've heard that.
Sorry there's no emoticon for I got my period all over a guy's bed so I had to improvise. There isn't even a bed one
Hey, what did you end up doing with those ski goggles?
Anything is possible. I didn't even know I was wearing the toilet cover as a hat
I just pictured my inhibition personified as little pink piggies with wings flying off into the great wide nowhere hahaha
can't believe I traded a good night's sleep and a midterm for your blurry tits
I'm considering having a threesome with my friend just so I can sleep with his boyfriend and not feel guilty about it.
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
you know it's been too long when the heat of a pizza box on your lap turns you on.
Have you ever looked death in the face and have the urge to shit yourself. I'm in that situation right now.
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
Yeah I don't think your wife thinks it's a good thing that you're fucking your cousin.
so I'm walking to my last final while opening my giant red bull and i look over to my right and the guy beside me had one too and was looking back at me. without missing a beat he pulls out a bottle of jager, pours half in mine, half in his and goes "cheers"....i'm not even mad i probably failed my final
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