a dead guy is trying to sell me oxy clean on my tv
The project manager just came into talk to me for the first time and I had justed googled best drum solo ever and couldn't X out of the screen.
She said her tits were too big, and he slapped her. He said that Jesus didn't appreciate bitches that fish for compliments
As a side note, my abs are sore. Most likely cause? Orgasms. Thank you.
I had a nursing patient tell me that her favorite drink was vodka and ensure...called it a colorado bulldog
You called him your tasty little crouton. Which actually wasn't the weirdest part.
I'm single as of 11 minutes ago. I was the chick who drunkenly tried to climb into bed with you 2 weeks ago. Wanna make this happen?
I miss eating meals at a table and having unprotected sex..
I just did a line of coke with an Olympic bronze medallist. I guess we know why he only got bronze.
You know it's a good weekend when you wake up on Sunday questioning your sexuality.
Her next conquest seems to be stealing her ex-boyfriend's new girlfriend. Pretty sure everyone involved is totally OK with this.
Well, I can now cross "dirty drunk homeless hobo" off of my bucket list of people who have been successful wingmen for me. North Carolina is getting weird.
Yea I went out in footie pajamas and still got laid. Good night for u?
He's honking my boob in his sleep
It's innocent and endearing in some way
I'm literally trying to cool beer down right now in my car by putting it on my floor and blasting cold air on it
Randomize
