some guy just got out of his chair quietly. Laid down on the floor and is now asleep in between rows in my lecture hall. He must have had a rough night.
My brother and I both agreed that your boobs are fake.
I've decided that my new worst fear is that I'll end up on "I Didn't Know I was Pregnant"
well you haven't lived until you've been 86'ed from a family restaraunt
the date was going great.. until he pulled down his pants and asked if there was any hair in between his cheeks.
I literally stabbed myself so I had a valid reason to get out of having sex with her
Why do I feel like the only way for this trip to end is alcohol poisoning?
I put labels all over the house on things I think are mine. A cactus, the dog, and a bottle of wine.
she gave me her number. found out it was already stored in my phone as "bathroom blowjob"
I kept trying to give you water and you kept spitting it back at me. You looked like a camel. People were staring
I smoked that joint really fast and now I'm so high I'm crawling around on all 4 giving my dogs piggie back rides pretending its the macy day parade for dogs and I'm their giant human float.
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
I almost wanna stick a tampon in and sneeze bent over to see if it actually shoots out
who are you talking about my vagina to?!
All I remember was you telling him there was something behind him so he would turn around and you could slide down his carpeted stairs on your belly without a shirt on. How's that carpet burn btw?
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