omg so im topless lying on my bed and i forgot my nail clippers are on my bed and i just leaned forward and the nail clipper closed. on my nipple. ouch
people should stop making movies, we'll never top bio-dome.
Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
It'll be like the burning bush except without moses and with pubes.
As an added bonus, you will have a "25 blowjobs a month" voucher, expiring thirty days after the first initial bj.
He said I kept trying to give him directions back to my house in Rhode Island, and that I started crying when he told me I live in Phoenix.
i think god would be more upset with me for turning down such a beautifully crafted cock than he would for me liking girls
I'm at a new rock bottom. Malibu on ice at work because it's the only thing they've got and no mixers.
I am making up for a 7 year dry spell so I get a pass and I don't always care if there is a second date. It is like college but with more money and condoms.
We celebrated our relationship by shotgunning beers on his lawn in our underwear. I may have to marry this man...
So yeah, my old kindergarten teacher just asked me who gave me the hickies on me neck.
Hey, what's a nice way of saying "Why'd you send me a picture of your boobs last night" without seeming ungrateful?
That female nurse who took a selfie with my man parts well I was out of it just got fired and arrested... You know all she had to do was ask lol
I balled in the shower for 20 minutes, rolled up to the meeting late looking like a gremlin, and my one night stand was standing there in a suit
Considering I drank for you last night, do you mind picking up your half of the hangover
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