i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
sitting in class between the roommates of the two girls i fucked over break. this feels like a bad version of wife swap
I can't, I'm busy. I've been walking around Tokyo on google maps for an hour.
just remind me when i get fired soon that august is the month i started pregaming work
Listening to Joy Division and applying for Walmart. You get to choose which one is more depressing.
I have my ice chest next to my bed. Instead of breakfast in bed, its beers in bed. 10x better
You are mentally unprepared to be exposed to my degree of perversion.
I dont think ive ever had a drunk day betray me so hard before
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
My neck is PURPLE. This is NOT a good day to be indoctrinated by the cardinal...
I think I'm at a stage of my life where I subconsciously purposefully fuck everything up just to see if I can find a way out of it.
I woke up at 3:30 this morning to pee. Luckily, I didn't have to travel far as I was asleep in my CLOSET on my yoga mat. Good news is I had a pillow...
Good news my life of crime finally paid off
I threw up all of my purple drank and thats really important
I mean, who hasn’t been fingered in there back of an Uber?
Randomize
