I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.
You didn't want to have sex last night because you said your grandpa just died and you didn't want him watching..
apparently i was just sitting there with my shirt down holding my boobs saying "its ok. its all gonna be ok"
Do you remember puking up your retainer into the toilet and putting it right back in your mouth?
No, this is non-alcoholic oatmeal.
I'm trying to make a sex playlist
record yourself crying and put it on a loop.
Is it 3pm? Or am I losing my mind because it's pickled in vodka and diet coke?
You kept yelling in my face " YOU'RE GONNA HAVE TO SUCK A DICK TONIGHT!"
Opened my purse to realize I have someone else's birth certificate. What happens to me in college?
I'll make some time for you! I don't know how long you need to get off, but I should only need 2-7 minutes, pending what kind of socks I have on.
I was drunk, he was taking a bodyshot while avoiding my piercing. I told him I loved him. He waited until I woke up with my hangover to say he loved me too. It was hangover magic.
Although now I have "number of cheese slices" as a unit of boob measurement in my head.
If a treadmill opens up I'll run next to him and then fall off so he has to give me mouth to mouth
I a very close black and white picture of my slightly erect penis and I blew it up put it in an art gallery for a show coming up and somebody bought it for 30 Grand!!!
Randomize
