dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
Revelation of the day. Bulimia is dumb. Anorexia is easier.
You suck.
Are you dead or are you taking another 13 hour nap? you need to let me know these things ahead of time so i dont worry.
No... No really he actually thought the condom was meant for his hand...
not to be a dick but do you remember the names of all your friends i made out with after we broke up?
Today my mom told me "that's what worries me about you getting blacked out drunk... You don't look pretty"
Is this helping you get pumped up or am I going to have to send you more dick pics?
I swear god is testing me by giving me awesome guys with tiny penises
There really needs to be a redbox for wine because I want some but too lazy to walk into a store
I think the cashier could tell I was sad. All I bought was penis shaped food and chocolate
My dreams last night were filled with sex and quidditch.
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
I love FaceTime, every time you ring me the morning after its like I went home with your one night stand too.
UGH I HATE BEING THIS WAY IM GOING TO GO HUG THE CACTUS YOU GOT ME
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
Randomize
