Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
Do I need to let your sister outside to go pee or anything before I leave?
Are you seriously drinking already? It's 11AM. Still morning.
I'm going by McDonald's time. And since they stop serving breakfast at 10:30 and start serving lunch, it is now afternoon.
i just used burnetts to get spraypaint off the floor of my dorm lobby
No room in fridge, chilling wine in snow. Do NOT let the dog pee on it.
did she really put a helmet on, try to make a hole in the wall then pass out on the floor ten minutes later? if thats true ill be there in 15
the lady next to me just sniffed my hair, smiled, and then fell asleep. I almost started crying from that kind of creepiness
don't cry, we can learn from her
God she is annoying. I am only keeping her around on fb because I want to see if her baby comes out looking like an alien or not.
I texted him a series of texts in which the first letters of each text spelled out "WE SHOULD HAVE SEX". If that's not dedication to the dick, I don't know what is
Apparently I give handjobs in my sleep. So that's interesting.
When you licked the fourth stranger's cheek the bar tender pretty much ordered us to get you out.
Today, my weed came in a pokéball. I officially love my dealer.
I would professionally fuck the shit out of her
What's the best way to tell a guy he can call me when his impending divorce is finalized?
This woman at the blackjack table is sitting on a pile of newspaper so she can pee at her seat and never miss a hand.
Randomize
