Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
Haha dude youd die if you were here. Girl presenting is defending the new testament and did her report on JESUS. best believe i'm gonna ask some hungover, atheist ass questions
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
What would you say if I got first degree burns on my nipples from drinking coffee topless?
I created a photogrid for every picture he has ever sent me of his penis. Now I can see every angle at one time. THIS IS GREAT.
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
I woke up to see that I had ripped my boxers into a loin cloth because we were watching last of the mohicans
I just twinged a muscle in my shoulder trying to hug myself. In the world of loneliness-based injuries, this is a new low for me.
Beer and xanax may be a bad combo, but I don't really care due to the beer and the xanax.
Just convinced a housekeeper at work to set up her 401k. Gotta start hittin the gb every morning before work. Happy 420
I'm honestly just saving all my liver's power for when I die this weekend. that's how it works right
Looks like taco salad for lunch. I may have died and gone to be better circle in hell than I thought.
I would have wore underwear last night if I knew I had to change a tire this morning
Just went to Meijer. Purchased furnace filters, fishing line, red lipstick and pregnancy test. And if my purchase alone wasn't classy enough, I took the pregnancy test in the Meijer bathroom because Im on my way to the bar and wanted to know if that was a good idea or not. Cheers to no babies!
On the brightside we know now that empty pringle cans are accepted at mcdonalds as cups.... Screw people who judged us, we saved a buck
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