That ginger could cleveland steamer me and it would still be the best day of my life
New first...just saw an entire family of homeless hitch hikers...kids and all. God, i love Oklahoma!
Friend I haven't seen in almost a year just IMed me to let me know that my mom stuck her boob out the window on the freeway at her.
Her mom responded by mooning my mother. I really don't know what's worse.
She greeted me with a new giants jersey and an opening day blowjob. this is true love.
It was worse than that time I did shots of BBQ sauce and pierced my own ear with a thumbtack
He asked me "did you used to go to church" while we were having sex.
Definitely need to find a less healthy bootycalls. All this bitch got in her fridge is feta, English muffins and wheat grass. What the fuck can I make with that???
Found 2 Coors, problem solved.
I was just asked by a police officer to not come back to Lancaster...
just woke up on my patio with a mouse eating cheetos off mys chest. youre all assholes.
I banged a guy named Robbie last night and in the middle of sex he begged me to scream santos. I'm pretty sure I just screwed a dude with multiple personalities.
Is it weird that sometimes I like to have sex for the health benefits and workout more than the pleasure
I got poked in the eye with a penis last night. How's your day?
Just had a threesome with my best friend and LSAT teacher...just checked three things off my bucket list in one night
the girl who hid my weed when the cops came has a birthday coming up. i feel like i should get her something.
So this ukranian guy got angry and took his clothes off. Now he has my credit card and I can't find my keys.
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