I woke up fully clothed on top of my sheets and i didnt even pee myself..so proud.
i need you to babysit me first week back at school. havent had tequila, adderal, or sex w randoms in 3 months
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
I heard about the break up and if you need a place to stay my vagina is open for you 24/7
Carpe scrotum. Grab life by the balls.
"drunk introduce yourself to everyone colleen" came out last night... you kept grabbing guys faces that you just met and just kept saying their names over and over and over again so you wouldn't forget.. then would see them 5 minutes later to introduce yourself again..
Bring me the dick of your room mate Alex and I will reward you in in skittles.
I just want to emotionally destroy him but also find out how big his dick is so this is perfect
Its a holy bong. We had to bless the holy bong water.
He was like low grade Riff Raff, but I hit it. Twice. His grill popped out the second time.
Do you find Darth Vader masks attractive?
Yiu ever laugh so hard you stop breathing? Turns out weed -can- kill you.
then this guy just runs in screaming, "cant you see my daughter pissed herself???!!!" and that was the start of my 2016.
She handed me scissors and told me that they were the ones with the lowest probability of having been used to trim someone's pubes.
I just gave my boss a blowjob. underneath his desk at work. that promotion is mine!
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