Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
Man, ugly runs in her family
yeah, big time
I mean we havent seen each other since december and then bam its cinco de mayo and were having sex under a life guard tower taking tequila shots between each position. no big deal
i was trying to give him roadhead and my tits kept knocking his cheap shifter into neutral...was the first time my tits have ever cock blocked me
He just did a 33 second keg stand with a fractured leg, busted chin and chipped teeth from running into a parked car after winning a race.
She didn't even ask about the dinosaur pinata in my trunk. Like at this point I think these are the things she expects from me
New high score, I made the stripper choke me while I was getting a lap dance last night
ugh... fuck pirate breakfast. my head is like thirsty.
I just hooked up with the same bartender my dad cheated on my mom with in the 90s. Not sure how this makes me feel.
family traditions my good sir
god, I have more takeout restaurants in my contacts than friends
Lost feeling in my face, my shoe and had a nose bleed. That's not wings. Fuck red bull.
You're telling that to the kid drinking Jack in nothing but a graduation cap
On my way to return shoes I bought so that I can afford to buy a pregnancy test. Is this adulthood?
i have pictures frm only 4 hours ago that will fucking ruin you so i suggest yuo come get me.
Where are you?
dunno. ask mike. bring pain killers. and underwear. and my dignity.
so all I remember is hig-fiving the cop and then sprinting away. considering I'm not in jail, I count that as a win.
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