"must pass the hog line" should not only be used in curling. but also when we go out to pick up girls.
They just sang me a song about how small my dick is in front of the whole bar
your philanthropy is ruining my sex life.
Just KTHXBAIed an old man for staring at me
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
There is a girl on the metro with no shoes and she's using a Crown Royal bag as a purse.
Well on a positive note, crystal light now comes in margarita flavor
I went from innocently day drinking to waking up handcuffed in jail. Fuck you game days
Tonight, I'll be cleaning. And by cleaning, I mean drinking booze and spraying everything with Febreze.
I'm just gonna pretend you didn't ask me that. I'll sweep that shattered moment of our friendship under the shame rug.
Yes, bail money means jail. It also means lie to dad, do it now.
It might look like I curled my hair last night but it's just the jiz.
I need to align my fucking chakras
I just told my bowl "sorry" for putting it down, because I thought I hurt its feelings. omg. I'm high.
You poured all their beer into ziploc baggies so it would be "better on the go"
Randomize
