I came home to burning cookies and him outside "tanning" naked.
He just wants an even tan
Now go wash the fat girl off your hands.
dude he was laying on two half-naked chicks, as they rubbed him down with lotion, while rolling a joint. hes like a modern-day african king
Girl just walked into the bar with a T-shirt that says "I'm not Irish, kiss me anyways." Target aquired.
he kept saying that we were in ian's fun time place and then continued to act like a dinosaur.
i think he spiked my sandwich with a viagra
You looked up at me and said "I'm getting a mattress made out of this SHIT. Goodbye certa hellllllllo concrete!" then you started counting sheep
and I think you ate the old crusty spaghetti on the counter when we came home last night judging by the carnage
I swear she lies about being allergic to gluten so she'll get all the jack and not have to drink shitty beer like the rest of us
The fact that we all screamed by Felicia to a bitch actually named Felicia will be a highlight of my life
sorry for running off in the middle of that heart to heart. free food.
I know this sounds fake but she's deep frying a bar of soap right now
Come fucking get her
I just called my grandma crying, apologizing for being the first grandchild to have premarital sex...I'm either about to start my period or pregnant.
you missed a good time last night.
you texted me at 10 telling me to come fuck you, that says enough.
Was it a bad idea to have spent all of my tax return on coke?
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