what is it about summer that misdirects my moral compass so much?
My 3rd grade teacher, who was also my fav, thought i was in prison. That seriously upsets me.
Henry's handball, Tiger Wood's Car Crash, Roger Federer losing ... That's it....I'm throwing my Gillete away
the recent google searches were "were can i buy a porn horse, why does my heart hurt after drinking, and orlando's teen night..." your thought process perplexes me
How long is it safe to eat only Hot Pockets and Popsicles?
I waited so long to accept his friend request that he canceled it. So I added him and when he accepted I deleted him. I wonder how long this will be funny to me
It's okay, I climbed on the roof of the bar to get my shoe back. This may become a Saturday tradition. I'll keep you updated
Two questions: what are you doing RIGHT NOW? and do you know how to drive a golf cart?
I'm sorry, when did "I like your shit" become an acceptable pickup line?
We let him drunkenly pack his own bags without checking them. Yet no one was surprised when the TSA girl pulled a 12 pack out of his carry on.
Did I leave the house with out a shirt or socks?
Yea, you said you didn't need them cause she was going to take them off anyways and that it would "save time".
I smell like thanksgiving dinner and bad decisions. Its not even thanksgiving yet.
I just ordered cookies for delivery. My life is falling apart.
a guy just skateboarded past my window in a bunny suit while chased by a dog walker
After this weekend my vagina will follow his penis anywhere. It’s like the pied piper, but with penis
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