I was hooking up with him in my car, he wouldn't stop with my nipples, I had to literally beat him off of me. He kept groaning too while he was doing it. Sick.
Mommy issues
Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
Fuck. I have a girl here waiting on me in my room! I told her I was going to get a drink of water... I'm in the bathroom taking a dump... I have mudd butt bad... There's NO toilet paper!!
my dad just secretly slid me a nugg in front of my mom. remind me why I moved away for college??
First rule of pills: If you can't remember what it is, take half.
I passed out in the VIP room and she charged me for 17 songs until I woke up, theres a bouncer asking me for $700, fuck tequila
You unbuttoned your shirt and started walking down the center of the road screaming traffic stops for Enrique Iglesias.
Tonight will bring shame to my future grandchildren.
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
No I did not just post a Craigslist ad for a used stripper pole because I can't afford my own. But now that you put the idea in my head I might have to.
Got 2 free lines of blow from some random guys on the side of 13th street.....how's your Sunday going?
I'm a full-grown woman and thusly I expect my sphincters to behave themselves.
You told everyone to shut up then told the officer that you are 21 when you drink.
He eats kale on the regular. Do I look like a bitch that wants to eat kale. No. Give me some Boston market.
Randomize
