Hurry. And bring back up. SHE WON'T STOP TALKING.
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
Girls behind me in the library are trying to outslut each other with stories from last semester. I'm about to set my cock on the table between them and label it "tie breaker"
He's prob getting laid right now and I'm sitting alone in my duct tape shoes.
One of my preschool students told me today that it's not pollution that makes the water in lakes unclean. It's the hobos. I was absolutely speechless. And just so proud.
I told him id do anything with him and he said angry pirate? So I said okay. Never seeing him again.
What's an angry pirate?
You dont want to know. If someone offers say no. Never ever do the angry pirate. Ever.
Based off the amount of cat hair on my poncho....i stole a cat last night.
He was just lying on my lap in the backseat screaming how if the cops came he was a blanket.
Then again, he has huge mansions.
*manboobs.
Yeeeaahhh, I'm in no rush to dismiss a level 6 booty-call that pays my bar tabs and understands my Harry Potter obsession.
well at least now you can say you got an STD from the frontman of a band no one's heard of
fuck you.
Nothing like being naked and confused and clutching a scented candle...at least I woke up in my own bed though.
At least you didn't lose your virginity to chumbawumba
I screamed "You look like a guy I've fucked!" to your brother at a party... I have some explaining to do.
I woke up upside down with my head in your ottoman and like a foot of space between the ottoman and chair.. My legs were straight up in the air... Yes. Your mother found me.
Randomize