So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
Girl last night got so wet when I was going on down her it flooded up my nose. I nearly drown
I'm at my inlaws playing Scrabble. Go Fuck Yourself.
I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
At 4am he sent "uree asss ize anmazin"
I got a phone call from security asking me to do my laundry wearing more than a blanket next time.
Old lady caught me peeing in the street and yelled at me and said "I REBUKE YOU"
Or stump rather since he's possibly large. Large penises don't have tips, just blunt ends of battering rams.
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
It was right before we played jenga with champagne glasses for a good half hour
We had an in depth conversion about the best way to take a dick pic. Both with and without mirrors.
He used his penis as a drumstick on my back and had me guess what song he was playing.
He said I have a comfortable vagina. What does that even mean?
IM ON THE WEIRD DRUGS AND I JUST SAW THAT TOM HARDY THING NOW I WANT TO HUMP
Thanks for making me a drunk burrito last night and cutting it into bite size pieces, I always knew you were a keeper.
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