i just got fired from my job because i was "too smart" and my immedate response was i am WAY too stoned to be considered smart, and theni walked out the door.
wow. i have no words.
I'm drinking while I write this paper. When I can't see the screen anymore I'm gonna come out
Apparently tackling a bar stool and crashing to the floor while yelling for 6 shots of whiskey won't get you thrown out on St Pattys Day.
any advancement on the stomach flu vs. pregnancy scare of '10?
If you're missing hair this morning, i'm sorry in advance
Sharon took in a random bleeding stranger drunker than her, named her Nicole, and is feeding her jello shots on the toilet
Yes, that was ME getting carried out of the club singing 'i believe i can fly'
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
Well girls crying gets you hard so you're not really a good standard to me
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
I need Mexican food. Like, I'd take it through a needle at this point. It's totally worth the track marks.
I've been watching porn with my cat lately. No shame
I just licked a piece of cheese off my phone screen if that makes you feel any better
yeah, i thought because of the nature of his job he would have been better at it, but i guess there's a difference between a bagpipe and vagina
Plus you need some new dick in your life, the environment is fucked enough you don’t have to recycle anymore 😂💀
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