do you know mcdonalds refuses to give out large cups of water now? you have to buy a bottle or they give you a small cup. No exceptions.
RUDE.
I said FINE, then I'd like 7 small waters and 2 of those nifty carrying cases to carry about my h2o.
outsmarted mickey deeeees
i woke up to her playing with my penis. just wiggling it around and around. awkward night? i would say so.
Driving with balloons in your car is more annoying than that bubble fart that doesn't leave your ass after your previous fart.
I literally just watched a girl motorboat herself
i woke up with a shattered plate next to my head.
passed a homeless guy with a sign that read "420 vetran" we gave him a bowl of bud
Any coincidence your getting married tomorrow and it's the most predicted day for the rapture? Just saying
She just pulled out a chicken strip and a hundred dollar bill from her purse. This is a legit twentyfirst bday weekend.
sounds like it. if it makes you feel better i blew up a $75000 farm tractor last night.
How did you not realize the handbrakes were stuck?
I thought I was just out of shape.
I need to reevaluate. My boss gave me drug money. I overslept on my couch. And I had my student teacher go to McDonald's and get an egg mcmuffin for me.
You were talking to yourself and eating cold cuts in the kitchen when I found you
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
No I kepy moaning and just called out a name to make them believe I was actually having sex instead of masturbating.
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Randomize
