Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
i'm pretty sure i just ruined some dude's romantic riverside sunset proposal by running outside and puking in a bush.
Well, i'm not sure how that works so i wish both you and your vagina luck on your voyage.
I don't remember anything but yelling at the ref in Spanish.
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
The sex was so good I went temporarily numb. Slightly embarrassing when she pointed out I was kissing my own arm.
When Vanessa's kindergarten teacher called me in because she was caught with her hand down some boys pants in the bathroom, I knew you babysat last week.
it says 'tasty bitch' in sharpie on my tits...
We just got home a lil bit ago. No sorority girls showed except the ugly swimmer chick and she asked if I've ever faked an orgasm.
just remember the most important rule of taking psychedelics: monsters can't get through blankets
I may quit my job to go be a costumed Jedi at Disneyland.
I knew my sister shouldn't have gone to the bacherlotte party. Two of the other brides maids have black eyes and my fiancé called me and asked if this is the crazy she's marrying
Our relationship revolved around Taylor Swift albums. It's no wonder it ended so fast
i came so much i feel like i were to try again, only dust would come out. and maybe glitter
Just so we're clear, drunk and naked is not appropriate attire for Thanksgiving. Do it this year and Grandma will ban you for life.
Randomize
