the 3rd commandment: and god said, if you buy a handle.. you must finish it.
2 am we went back to his house. his mom handed us beers and cooked us pancakes. the next morning his dad had washed my car. i lied. living at home after college definitely does not suck.
Apparantly 7 1/2 Vicodin is a 1/2 too many.
the paramedic just looked at me like "you again?"
I got shot at today. If that doesn't get me at least a blow job I give up working on the south side
I had a girl last night tell me that she was happy to find a condom wrapper in my garbage because,and I quote, "well at least you're not raw dogging every slore that crosses your path"
I wasn't that drunk, I know my limits. When peeing became difficult I stopped taking shots.
I woke up in confetti... confetti and shame
You tried to bite my nipple like 3 times
NAh son
Just general bites
So I had sex with a hook nosed, lisping masadonian last night.
Glad that degree in literature is paying off. Nice adjectives. Maybe set the bar a little higher though?
Bored at work. googling vodka waffles.
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
I'll pick u up. I have to buy a new sofa cover anyway. I swear I've never seem a girl cum like that before.
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
He was eating me out on a samsung washing machine and as soon as I came, I heard the "end of cycle" song. That tune will now always remind me of the screaming, multiple orgasms I recieved tonight!
Randomize
