i mean really, i cant compete with a cucumber
I just let someone steal something bc they were so fucking weird and wouldn't leave me alone
if hell is full of stilettos, fake tans, bleached hair, overused make-up, drawn out s's and blatent bitchiness, then i'm in hell right now.
Lol welcome to greek life
I froze in his sixty one degree room but i came so hard. Like fucking the eskimo god.
I walked into his room and he was naked with a half eaten pecan pie and a bottle of wine.
sudden memory flashback: you and i having sex on the bed, erin sitting naked in your desk chair drinking whiskey straight from the bottle while harassing you for your computer password to play some "mood music." high five. go us.
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
You were sitting in the tub, clothed, squirting my KY all over yourself. You said "it's warm." then passed out.
My liver was like a college freshman on spring break. It would've danced topless on tables if it could have.
Watching him and my sister argue over a rum and coke about who's going to chop the coffee table in half with a hatchet...
I don't want to be "that guy" but I may have accidentally sent a dick pic to your mom
I SWEAR TO ALL THAT IS HOLY I HAVE NEVER WIPED MY GENITALIA ON ANY TYPE OF EMERGENCY RESPONSE VEHICLE!!
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
You wouldn't eat with utensils. You insisted on making your own spoon out of a bendy straw and staples while singing "I'm a survivor" by Destiny's Child.
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
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