What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
Just tell him to eat fruit before so it tastes good. Then it's just like shotgunning a smoothie
What did you wear last night? Because I'm pretty sure there are atleast 4 Facebook statuses about your walk of shame.
they lined up to high five me when i got taken out by the stretcher. The paramedic high fived them too
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
The claw marks on my back are healing nicely. Just thought you should know.
My bad. Next time I'll wear mittens.
Are you okay?
I went home with a 38 year old guy in a kilt, do I look okay!
Their first impression of me was that I was completely naked. So yeah college hasn't even started yet and I'm already that person.
Sharknado 3 is going to bring us to alcoghol poisonign
You were in no condition to manage a 3-way.
My moral compass kept pointing to his penis.
i had to win in rock paper scissors, get called a fat whore, and make two dudes get in a fight so we could call next game on the table and you make zero cups. thanks asshole.
Not to make this awkward, but if we ever have sex (perhaps drunkenly), all i'm gonna be able to think about is how sexy our kids would be.
you know maybe it wouldnt be so bad if it hadnt happened before. At least I didnt blow him this time
It’s a prereq for med school, so I hope the professor likes blow jobs
Randomize
