I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
She just sent me a picture of a heart. I need to stop fucking freshman...
Michael Bay is the white Tyler Perry.
i'm crying at olive garden. i've hit rock bottom
at least he left the skimmer on the side of the pool so i could fish out my thong in the morning
there is a money trail leading from my bathroom to my living room.. the trail ends with a half eaten bag of chips with a note that says "magical chipz".. who am i?
And I feel like pitchers of margaritas accidentally make it down your throat a lot.
I mean, the lady at the Mexican restaurant insisted. She said she would win a prize if she sold another pitcher before noon. And plus I got to wear a sombrero
That UFC fighter fucked me so hard I have what can only be described as a "cuntcussion"
That is an awkward looking cockshot, not gonna lie
I think I freaked him out last night. We got back to my place and I made chicken nuggets, chicken Alfredo, and half of one of those huge oreida hashbrown bags. And then ate all of it
She pretty much spent NYE measuring dicks, trying to decide which one to take home.
How do u explain to your grandma that your relationship status is hooking up with randoms at a bar
I sit across from him at graduation so I get to stare at him and think about how I fucked his step brother and laugh to myself
He started humming a moment like this when I was taking off his pants.
Don't ask but i need a priest, a calzone, a litre of gravy, and exactly 7 oreos
And a bag of nachos
Randomize
