Did you hallucinate the same white buffalo that I did last night.
No, but I did see you shaking hands with a homeless man.
I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
Please tell me its not ok to love a 17 year old....no matter how hot he is and how sexy his eyebrow ring is oh lord
Ah I wish I was there to nurse you then clean up your piss-filled water bottles
for some reason the bedside piss missed the water bottle today
You called information & said "connect me to johnny depp" when they told u it wasn't listed u said " try depp comma johnny he's expecting my call"
Im dancing with my grandma to Low right now at the wedding. There's no coming back from this.
I just smoked my last bit of kief with a grill lighter. This is what crackheads must feel like.
Teasing with taco bell is not funny. High or sober.
Oh I already celebrated valentine's day. I stayed up until 4 AM listening to biggie, drinking rum, and caressing all my girl curves in front of the mirror. And then I came 3 times.
You know it's time to do the dishes when you take shots of water out of a sake glass...
And you wonder why you're always one of the guys?
The number of mornings I actually have to say out loud to myself "you must put pants on and go to work" to get motivated is...troubling.
I mean, he's 40, foreign, artsy but with substance abuse problems and estranged children. How is he not my type?
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
really who shits their pants then locks themselves out of their apartment? ... I threw my underwear out in a random bathroom
Give me one good reason why I should go with you.
Free beer.
..pick me up at 8.
Randomize
