Do you feel that fire radiating from matt's crotch for you
Gross. gingers suck
I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
I think id rather eat ped egg shavings.
the couple across the street's about to bang. go get the popcorn and come join us.
it went kinda like vodka, childhood memories, screaming/cursing, fist fight, tears, broken shit, passing out. in that order. tis the season.
You were spitting chewed up pretzle into my hands telling me to hold it for you.
he doesn't drink and he's an emt - he'll be our dd for nye in exchange for a threesome tomorrow afternoon.
I've never seen a grown man cry so much after getting jerked off by a stripper. I say it's the best $600 he ever spent.
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
I made a Russian puke. I outdrank a Russian. I am unstoppable.
My girlfriend is pregnant with her exs baby. 2014 just became the worst year
I WOULD SERIOUSLY RECOMMEND THE SHIT THAT I AM ON RIGHT NOW
It's a long story, but I accidentally peed on my dog. I'll tell you about it tomorrow, and we shall never tell my wife.
The walk of shame was so much longer today. i have to start fucking guys in my own postcode.
you smell like vanilla and daddy issues
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