He could be your dad!
We discussed that right before he asked for my number
No, drunk sperm still make babies.
i hate when i ask a girl what she's being for halloween and the first word isn't "slutty"
I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
Now there are two cop cars. If I go to jail I just would like to thank you for making me wear boxers.
I'm fighting fire with fire. When my parents interrogate me about what I was doing last night, I tell them the truth. Every disgusting, awkward detail. I'm 23 now and they need to get used to it.
He gave me a trycicle he stole from a kid as an "offering" to have sex. I couldnt say no when he went through all that.
I have green food coloring in my hair and just got a text from "Guy in the Yard"...so this morning is going just as you might imagine.
Their engagement party consisted of them doing shots, yelling at each other, leaving for 30 minutes, and coming back with smiles.
I'd say they're off to a great start!
"what's it like being a dancer turned stoner" well, i can change the netflix using my feet mid bongrip, so there's that.
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
We drunkenly built a couch fort and fucked in it. I've known her since preschool. This was every childhood fantasy mixed with adult dreams come true.
People try and tell me I never learn me lesson, well that's a bunch of crap. I asked for Monday off for Superbowl recovery based on my experience last year.
I WANT TO JUMP IN TO A VOLCANO
the wedding party just walked in to the song eye of the tiger. i'm getting drunk.
Randomize
