Maryland truck stops are full of people with killer mustaches
I wish i could tell a story about guys I know without the phrase "and then I blew him." coming up.
Taped crackers to the wall. Sat I'n the dryer. Bobby had to pull me out by my hair. No more.
I was trying to make tacos and friends but there was a major language barrier.
I'll come out for a little. I can't be visibly hungover at work again or I get written up and fired. And yes, I am aware of how alcoholic that sounds.
I found ecstasy taped in my armpit... thank you drunk Marissa.
I feel like "stop licking my face" isn't something that needs to be repeated twice
It was like a Thanksgiving meal, which you spend 8 hours cooking, and the family wolfs down in 20 minutes. All that flirting and build-up for like 90 seconds of pumping and he was gone in a flash, never to be heard from again.
YOU CHEATED ON ME WITH THE WOMAN THAT IS STAYING AT YOUR HOUSE. FORGIVE ME IF IM NOT THINKING YOUR A DEDICATED BOYFRIEND.
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
Like the friend zone has no room for winks
Underoos and an IDGAF attitude: all you need to successfully win at life
(Underoos optional)
We poured all the Fireball on the Slip and Slide and long story short I have two black eyes.
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
The only thing i ask you for is vegan food and sex.
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