dude, you're being a jerk.
sorry, didn't mean to pull a Cheney
I'm holding in my pee so that I can hear "Cowboy" in its entirety on the radio
Its a three day weekend with Valentines day thrown in... Im obligated to get drunk
Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
After we finished he asked if I knew if it was a boy or girl. Diet. Starts. Now.
He didn't seem too mad about the puke on the side of his car. You still have a chance.
It all boils down to, who else do we know that is willing to buy our friendship?
The last bar we left there was a sausage stand right outside and I apparently felt bad those guys were working that late, so I bought a $9 sausage, gave it to some drunk kid and said "I support local businesses!!" I'd say I've done my civic duty.
Its not that hard, just find a girl reading 50 shades of grey and point her my way
Went to bed with a bowl of spaghetti O's on my chest, I make my own breakfast in bed. New level of laziness
I vaguely remember making out with some dude. Please tell me he had all of his teeth.
I've sold more douches working here than one man should sell in a lifetime
not ubering you a puppy
I'd climb him like a horny MILF spider monkey.
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
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