I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
I'm worried someone is gonna take a black light to my work computer. But the connection is faster here.
There are no words to adequately express my gratitude for sending me porn you found staring a former classmate.
Potato salad is not cupcake ingredient
Last I remember we played rock paper scissors for who would fuck the guy with cowboy boots on and I won..
Holding a cold bottle of mikes hard lemonade against my pulverized taint....this is my Sunday night
I just saw a black chick with an eyepatch. This is a once in a lifetime opportunity.
I got a message from the hook up gods today that it's time to move on. It came in the form of me being shoved in a closet naked and stuck in there for 30 min well he watched boy meets world with his brother.
And I just realized we will be at a strip club when the end of the world is supposed to happen. This is destiny
FYI: Brian said he left me in the bathroom Friday night to shower and 45 minutes later found me with a towel around my head, my pants on and holding my boobs. No more Jell-O shots for me.
Let's knock shit down like godzilla and have intense sex in the rubble
I'm high. ignore me
my dry spell has ended & now it's like a tsunami of dick i can't handle it
Is it something I'm going to want to hug you for or slap you for?
Do you think if I explain to her I want to have loud, unprotected sex with her sister she'll understand?
I’m getting back at my ex and training my new boy toy how to properly satisfy a woman. I’m killing two birds with one dick.
Randomize
