sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
Dude, she's just using you for your money, and Cavs tickets.
Honestly, what else do I have going for me?
You make a valid point.
Ok. In one sink is a hairdrier. Still plugged in. The other is filled with broken glass. What do I do?!
Nvm. Bloody hand trumps dead. Also, where is gauze.
I just got a whiff of tequila through the air conditioner.
An accidental pregnancy to a guy with a trustfund is no mistake. It is a gift from god.
it would be cheaper just to buy a dildo to intimidate people with.
I just wanted to share with you that my life has come to naked arts and crafts, to fix my flask, with a rum and coke in my hand... Good luck on your exam
We just broke into a lion king sing along. Understanding is not possible.
You wanted to go find him and we told you to sit down cause you kept stumbling. You yelled " I CAN STAND!! It's the walking part I can't figure out!"
Give me a reason to not spend the rest of my evening high watching dogs 101 videos
I'm officially no longer allowed to make any of my own decisions regarding alcohol, men, or the combination of both. Thats up to you now. Do me proud.
I would totes reciprocate the nip pic, but I'm sick with a piece of tissue shoved up one of my nostrils and I'm just not feeling that ambitious. Sorry.
we fucked and then he hand fed me a hot pocket
I was christened with Fireball shots by some guy at the bar. I'm practically Jesus now.
Man the amount of drugs being done at a wedding with a bunch of surgeons was disturbing
Randomize