ok i'm going to motor boat your sister now. ttyl
i literally in my bathroom watching tv from across the hall while trying not to fall asleep with my dog keeping my feet warm. wednesday's shouldnt be like this
Seriously... There's something wrong here. I'm drinking vodka to mask the smell of chocolate on my breath before I get home and he finds out. I fucking hate couple dieting...
It's when I'm in my pajamas and in need of a gin delivery that I miss NYC most of all.
Just watched a guy fight a garbage can then pee on it, screaming "I told you to listen to me the first time!!" San Francisco, I've missed you.
just asked if they'd gift wrap go-go taquitos for you at 7-eleven
i had to write a bad check to buy franzia last weekend. i have my priorities in line.
Sometimes you gotta take the crosseyed stripper. fuck it
deryk tried to steal your screen door and i think sam and brent are duct taping lauren to the diving board.
My brother didnt wanna sleep with her because she was my friend. Did I miss the memo where we're not supposed to be fucking each others friends? Oh well too late.
Sorry you had to clean the sheets with your macro notes
"She's seriously grinding on him while whispering into his ear, 'take me to McDonald's.'"
i know it looks like there's pee in the mayo jar in the fridge but i promise it's just apple juice that wouldn't fit in the jug after i added the booze.
Relationship goals: we both wore red underwear tonight. Except he won’t know because my bra been off but it’s the thought that counts I guess.
I woke up to him watching me sleep and after I told him it was over he asked if we were still on for Vegas next weekend
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