I'm trying this new thing, it's called standards
i feel like an archaelogyst. im pulling apart last weeks brownies to find the weed in them
It was the worst sex ever. All she did was tap on my balls with her hands like she was in a reggae band.
I can't believe I had to convince you to not drink butter.
The fact that both my ribs are severely bruised from shoving flasks in my bra might be a validation of my mothers alcoholic accusation
He used his one phone call to tell me not to let anyone drink all his vodka until he could bail himself out.
We had sex under a tree in his boss's backyard, then I hooked up with his best friend. I don't even care how I got home.
So ran into your ex from sophomore year last night... Apparently hes gay and a stripper now. we all got lap dances because we knew you
I think you're my mermaid sister. Separated at birth, by sea.
Got drunkdialed by my estranged mom while wallowing in pinkeye drinking 100 proof eating ramen alone. Year summed up perfectly.
I guess there's no delicate way to say "I'm 90% sure I sucked his dick in the bathroom of the bar."
I'm chasing my vodka with snickers.
I despise everything about her. Except her tits.
I'm sorry i showed you my boobs.. I probably shouldn't have done that.
Okay, let's just all take a step back and think about how funny this will seem in like a year... Maybe 2 if his nose is actually broken.
Randomize
